Herpetologist Still Wanted.

Gerald awoke from his coma like state, an envelope laid out in front of him with the text, “For Gerald.” He looked around, there was no-one in the train car with him. He opened the envelope and dumped its contents out on the table. His gun, three extra clips, a silencer, a photo, and the instructions that simply read protect with a arrow pointing a section of the train ahead of him. He took the gun, placed it in his holster, threw the instructions out the window, memorized the young man in the photo before burning it and placing the silencer in his pocket as he stood up.

Opening the door to what Gerald thought was the way to the front of the train lead him only to almost falling off the train as the car he was in was now the caboose. “How long was in that coma?” He thought to himself. He walked to the other door only to find the same thing. “What is going on?” He stepped out of the still train car onto the tracks bewildered at the site of the rusted train car he was in.

The forest around him was alive with the various flora and fauna of its pine tree city. Taking a few steps into the trees Gerald found himself sinking into the ground with no way to escape. Panic, desperation, Gerald tried to grab at roots but they too turned into the same weird substance that was dragging him under. Up and over his head the ground swallowed Gerald whole. He found himself briefly floating in an abyss before falling through a crack that shone with an eerie green glow.

Gerald fell through the skylight of the train car into the presence of a newlywed couple celebrating their marriage. The two young men gave a frightened screech and quickly covered up.

“Who are you? And what are you doing in here.” The larger of the two men said moving in front of his partner. Gerald stood up and brushed leaves, glass, and some dirt off his clothes.

“I’m terribly sorry. Gerald Scalia is the name. And I’m not sure how I got here.” Gerald said holding out his scaly hand.

“Well, Mr. Scalia, my name is Fredrick and I would like you to get the fuck out of my cabin!” Fredrick said as he forced Gerald out into the hallway. Gerald stood there somewhat bewildered at what just happened. He adjusted his clothes and moved to the car to his right. He found himself in the dinning car, famished, and decided to get a bite to eat. A crispy spider salad with crickets and tomatoes. He found the spiders were a bit burnt, and he was disappointed that the crickets were dead. Live crickets always tasted best.

With his hunger satiated, Gerald went back to the task of locating his charge. He asked a conductor where the executive suite car was and was shown back to the car he had fallen into earlier. He opened the first room finding an old couple enjoying some morning tea. The next held the newlywed couple he interrupted several hours before, they were not happy to see him again. In the last room sat a single young man reading a book.

Winston turned to Gerald, “Hello. Can I help you?” Winston said.

“I am Gerald Scalia and I’ve been hired to protect you.” Gerald said as he entered the small room, “What is your name if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Winston Trembley, good sir. And Gerald what makes you think I need any sort of protection?” Winston replied.

Just then the door flew open and the old woman ran in with a knife making for Winston. Two steps into the room Gerald’s hand struck her in the throat causing her to drop the knife and clutch her neck trying to catch her breath. Gerald grabbed the knife and forced the metal blade through the old woman’s eye leaving her to collapse on the ground, Winston giving a frightened yelp. Gerald stepped out into the hall, seeing the old man struggling with a machine gun Gerald drew his pistol and put a round through the man’s head.

Gerald returned to Winston cowering in the corner of the small room, “You were saying about why you need protection, Winston? That is why. Apparently someone wants you dead.”


-To be continued. What will happen next time? Will Gerald get to eat a crispy spider salad with live crickets? Will the newlywed couple get a break from seeing a seven foot tall lizard man on their honeymoon? Who wants Winston dead? Will that candy bar ever get eaten? Will my foot stop itching? These questions and more will be answered next time, on Seeking Herpetologist!


A Whale Sized Hole.

-A Message from the Terrrible Author-

This story is completely true in everyway it could possibly be. Don’t listen to your Physics Professor if he/she tells you otherwise. They’re just trying to cover up the truth.

Jeremy and Rita had been married for several years. And in those year had gained nearly two hundred extra pounds from bad eating habits. Despite the weight gain however the two loved to still have sex. It was their anniversary and the kids were over at the grandparents, so Jeremy and Rita decided to get down to boogey. The candles were lit, the gettin’ it on music mix was in full swing, and two large oiled bodies were about to collide in a jiggly embrace of weird fleshy jello. The bed rocked back forth as the beast that was all back morphed into all manner of back-boob, front-boob, side-boob, chin-boob, and leg-boob on bed. Bats went deaf as their echolocation caught the shape of the two hearty lovers in the throes of passion.

Unbeknownst to Jeremy and Rita the two were causing strange gravitational anomalies in their home as they continued to make love. In minute five of their anniversary session their bodies collapsed into a singularity. The love hole absorbed the house and half the neighborhood before dissipating, leaving nothing more than a large hole in the ground.

Jeremy and Rita’s kids became vegans so as not to end up like their parents. They never had close relationships for fear of becoming a love hole. Scientists to this day have been unable to figure out how two people became a blackhole through the simple act of sex.

Expanse of Love

Micheal sat in the waiting room reading articles from a three year old magazine about motorcycles. It’d been four hours since Gillian, his daughter, had gone in for surgery to remove the cancerous tumor that had decided to take up residence in her abdomen. The television droned on with some game show, but he ignored it. Others left and came into the waiting room, but none of them were the surgeon. Micheal just continued to sit and wait. Five hours passed, six, seven. Finally at about seven and a half hours Dr. Humphreys came into the waiting room and called for Micheal.

Micheal jumped at the sound of his name, he was mentally exhausted from worrying about Gillian, and had to stop himself from running up to the doctor.

“How is she? I need to know. My daughter is she okay?” Micheal blurted out while trying to steel himself for the worst.

“She is perfectly fine Mr. Quimby.” Dr. Humphreys said to Micheal’s relief. “Now, to the hard part. The depth  and complexity of this procedure does not guarantee that she is cancer free. Only that the tumor was removed. We will have to keep a very close eye on her for quite some time before we can be sure~” Micheal interrupted Dr. Humphreys as he had begun what Micheal felt was gibberish.

“May I please see her?” Micheal asked.

“Sorry, yes. She’ll probably still be under anesthesia, but you may go in and stay with her until she wakes.” Dr. Humphreys lead Micheal to Gillian’s room. Micheal walked over to her, waves of happiness hitting him knowing she wasn’t gone.

Micheal had brought Gillian’s favorite book, Ambrosia Dissidence, with him, and sat down in the chair next to her bed to begin reading, “Night fell on the tiny village of Hempsworth. The summer festival in full swing with ale, eats, and games for all the villagers to enjoy.”

Micheal had made it to the third chapter when Gillian let out a groan. This was followed by the room being engulfed in flames as the hospital was destroyed by a crashing alien spacecraft from the great expanse of space.

The aliens erupted from their downed vessel slaughtering any and all humans in their path. The human race quickly fell to the more advanced alien race and was enslaved. The slavery did not last long as the aliens began terraforming the earth to their home planet of V’Lophel. The human race went extinct and the V’Lophelians took another planet for their ever growing galactic empire.

Spoiled Remains.

Victoria made her way through the underbrush, blade in hand. She could see the high priestess giving a rousing sermon to her flock of brainwashed followers. Victoria’s blade made quick and silent work of the patrolling guards behind the small stage. She moved the bodies where they couldn’t be discovered easily and slipped off up to the stage.

“I have only one person to thank for our great success in converting the non-believers! Galdia Neus!” The priestess waved her hands in Victoria’s direction, “Please Galdia come up on the stage and bask in your glory.” Victoria ascended the sort staircase up onto the stage and approached the priestess calmly. When she arrived at the priestess’s side she drew the blade that she had been paid to slay the priestess with. A silver blade with the Neus family crest etched into the blade. Victoria made sure to deal several mortal blows to the priestess. She left the blade in the priestess’s side and spirited into the night away from the mob.

-A Message from the Terrrible Author-

I apologize for missing a story this past Friday. I know you were all chomping at the bit waiting for the latest entry in my collection of short shitty little stories that bring you large amounts of incredible edible joy that makes you wet or hard in whatever sexual organs you have or wish you had.

The Machine

Bernard was an engineer with a fascination in time travel. Ever since he was a young boy he dreamed of building a machine that could travel through time. He was laughed at all through college and most of his career. But Bernard had the last laugh. He built a time machine, and was successfully able to travel back in time and was never seen again.

-Note from the Terrrible Author-

Story is continued in the comments over at this lovely Cow’s blog.

Take Two every Four Hours

You stand at the top of a mountain. The cold crisp air nips at your lungs. An eagle soars through the air above the tree line below before diving towards the lake and picking up a fish. You ready your axe as the muffled screams of your cheating ex are drowned out by sounds of nature. You bring the axe down on their neck and in one clean stroke their head rolls off the stump and down the side of a cliff. Your happiness knows no bounds as your finally free of that cheating ass. The rest of your ex’s body parts sever quite easily and a pack of wolves takes them off your hands.

You sky dive off the cliff with a wing suit  gliding to your cabin and landing safely with the use of your parachute. The cup of hot chocolate by the fire is just as soothing as the sound of an axe through human flesh. You curl up in a blanket with a good book and end up passing out after a few hours of reading. Your dreams bring you pure happiness and you live out your days in your beautiful mountain cabin.

The next day you wake up in your padded cell and straight jacket. The doctors come in with a wheelchair and take you out for your morning medications. You take them and go into your daily coma once again.