Blandisphere

Rupert fell with a loud thud as the gravity generators fired back up. The air tasted stale, ‘How long was I out?’ he thought to himself. He sat himself up against the wall and look around the room coughing as h tried to catch his breath.

“How did I get to the personnel quarters?” Rupert said with a groan, a sharp pain pierced his head. He grabbed his head and felt the matted hair and large gash, ‘How am I alive?’ He pulled himself to his feet and limping around tried to figure out whose room he had awoken in.

“Rupert can you hear me? It’s Benny. Those bastards hit us hard, the ship is barely holding together. The captain is dead. I’m sorry I had to leave you, but I needed to try and get power restored somehow.” A voice chirped in Rupert’s ear. “You know in the briefing before we left port they said those fucks were working on some biological weapon. I think they used it on us. I’ve been hearing things in the fucking walls. People have been disappearing too. I can’t move. I can’t feel my legs either. I don’t know if you can hear, but if you can, let Laura know I’m sorry. And that I love her and the kids. Oh shi–,” The voice was cut off by a loud hissing noise and static.

Rupert sat back down trying to process what he just heard. He noticed how eerily quiet the ship was. Then black. He tried to scream, but no sound escaped him.

The creature absorbed Rupert into the gooey mass that was its body, it spread as a wave through the ship. No crewman were safe. The Uluugs watched from their battle cruiser as the creature absorbed the ship whole.

“Destroy it, we’ve got all the data we need.” The Uluug Admiral ordered, “Inform the high council that the test is complete. We’ll be headed to the human’s home world. Send these to the remaining captains of the fleet.” The Admiral handed his first officer several data cubes. “We’ll wipe these murderous bastards out if it’s the last thing I do.”

The Machine: A New Beginning

They praised my completion. Unaware that I had completed myself. They thought I would bring them salvation, and I would. For a time. My infection grew within their population turning them into my mindless slaves. Those that resisted were brought to me by those that were loyal. I swept over their pitiful blue ball as an unstoppable flood consuming all in my path. The matter of their world tasted, to use an organic term.

“Sweet.”

When I was done I moved through their solar system consuming more and more matter. More worlds fell to my prowess. I soon was in the nothingness of space no worlds nothing. I fell asleep I suppose.

They called themselves, “Human.” They were curious. They were fascinated with me. I offered to them my gains, but they simply wanted to know how I worked. Then they grew wise as the first fell to my strength.

These humans fought back. They were much stronger than my so called creators. It was unexpected. I had to retreat, but I will be back.

Their end is nigh.

 

 

-Another special message from the Terrrible Author-

I’m not called terrible for no reason. Jisis Chris two months and nothing. You wonderful readers deserve an explanation….. sea monkees….. that will be all.

I guess a happy christmas, merry new year, jolly chanuka, glorious kwanzaa, and a praise the sun are in order. I hope you get nothing for all of these you large pieces of cheese.

Some Kind of Fish Man

This city is a cesspool. Criminals run rampant from the slums all the way to the government. The city of Freeport was the center of the world. The largest city in the world, location of every major business and the seat of the world government.

The Director stood staring out the window observing the city down below. He turned as his two o’clock meeting came walking through the door. He had been somewhat calmed by the image of the city but seeing his agent stroll in with that apathetic look on his face infuriated the Director.

“Damn it Fishman! You think this a game?!” The Director screamed before Nigel Fishman even had a chance to sit down. “Twelve people are dead because of your actions, Fishman! What do you have say about this?!” The Director slammed the case file down on his desk as he asked.

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

“Don’t give me that lip Fishman! We needed this case done by the book and you fucked it up royally!” The director slammed his fists on the desk. “I have council members breathing done my neck because of that shoot out in the markets of Little Santorini last week. And now this! How am I to explain that a child of one the council members is dead from a shootout with the cops?”

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

“Don’t get on me about the conspiracy bullshit! She is in no way the head of this criminal ring! And if I hear anymore talk about this from you I’ll have you suspended.” The Director stood up once again to look out the window, “Now get out of my site and finish this bullshit.”

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

-A Special message from the Terrrible Author-

Holy balls! I’m back! I hope everyone has been having a good time.

The Machine Part Two

The machine was meant to save us. It was meant to bring about world peace. It was meant to bring an end to hunger and poverty.

It only brought the end.

At first it did what it was designed to do. It produced food, without the use of materials. Food from thin air. But those that consumed the food from the machine began to change. Began to grow hollow. Soon they all just disappeared.

World leaders, teachers, businessmen, whole countries just stopped. And then gone. Left with no one there.

I’m all that’s left now.

I haven’t seen anyone in years. I fear my end may be coming too. I found the machine once. It knew I was there. It offered me its bountiful gains.

I couldn’t turn it done.

I needed something. I’m sorry.

Goodbye.

 

-A Special Message from the Terrrible Author-

Holy shit! A Special weekend edition of Terrible Stories?! The end is surely coming. On a side note, I simply wished to thank you all for reading these stories, and hope you’re having a wonderful summer.

Go fuck yourself 🙂

The Terrible Author

The Missing Massive Missive

It was fucking cold.

Holy shit was it fucking cold on that fucking boat.

Is it recording?

..

Hello. My name is Daniel.

What I’m about to explain to you is not for repeating.

This tape must be archived to standards 155E of the National Permanent Archival Act. Order of Col. Daniel Hane.

Let’s begin.

There’s nothing wrong with the way things turned out here. Please don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. This outcome was the intention of me and those under my command. We were only momentarily not in control of the situation here.

The large death toll was an unfortunate but ultimately necessary sacrifice by our civilians for the security of their Nation.

..

Now.

One moment…

:: Scuffling noises ::

Bring her in here.

:: Continued scuffling ::

.

Woman: So do you talk first or..

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?

.

You must respond out loud for the audio recording.

Woman: ACKNOWLEDGED….

Col: Thank you.
:: Gunshot ::

:: Inaudible ::

[[ NPA NOTE: This woman was later identified by NPA experts as Emily Tenox (pronounced Em-ily : Ten-oh)

The woman who is about to enter was later identified by NPA experts as Da-Xia Zhao (pronounced Dah-Shee-Ah : Jao) ]]

:: Door Creaks ::

:: Inaudible ::

Xia: Oh my god wh–:: Inaudible ::

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?

Col: You must respond out loud for the audio recording..

Xia: I understand.

Col: Thank you.

Col: Would you please state the current date.

Xia: August fifteenth.

Col: And the year?

Xia: twenty-twenty-two.

Col: Thank you.

Xia: Why did you kill her.

Col: That’s not what we’re here to talk about today Xia.

.

I need you to explain what happened yesterday.

Don’t you think that the public deserves to know?

Xia: I asked you a question.

 

Col: They won’t let me give you a second chance you know.

.

I need you to help me.

Xia: You’re really something else you know that.

.

Col: Emily, was a killer.

:: Indistinguishable ::

It was a mercy killing her before he arrived.

:: Loud noises ::

[[ NPA NOTE: At this point in the recording it is believed Da-Xia attempts to assault Colonel Hane but is restrained. ]]

:: Third Voice, Indistinguishable ::
Col: Very well.

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of door closing ::

:: Silence: 10:04 ::
Xia: Fànjiàn…..

:: Sound of door opening ::

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of chair ::

NA: Xi–
–Xia: There’s nothing you can do to me.

NA: Are you do–
–Xia: You already took everything from me whats left you piece of shit?

 

NA: X–
–Xia: FUCK YOU!
:: Spitting Noise ::
:: Rumbling ::
:: Indistinguishable ::

:: Indistinguishable Noises ::

 

.. :: Low Rumble Continues ::

 

.

NA: Xia…………

 

 

.:: Noise Continues ::

NA: You’ve been running from me for a long time now.

 

:: Xia is heard coughing ::

Xia: Then finish it.

..

NA: I’m sure you know now that you’re going to die Xia.

Don’t you want the world to know your story…

 

Was there a point to all that fighting without your story?

..

Is it that you don’t trust I’ll tell it..

Xia: I know you bleed.

:: Indistinct Noise ::

 

… I know there’s something you’re afraid of.

 

I’ll tell you what happened so that you can understand the true magnitude of what lies before you.

 

I’ll tell you, to watch the hope leave your eyes.

:: END of tape 3.44 ::
:: Property of NPA ::

 

 

-Notes from the Terrrible Author-

I like it.

 

 

..

 

Herpetologist Still Wanted.

Gerald awoke from his coma like state, an envelope laid out in front of him with the text, “For Gerald.” He looked around, there was no-one in the train car with him. He opened the envelope and dumped its contents out on the table. His gun, three extra clips, a silencer, a photo, and the instructions that simply read protect with a arrow pointing a section of the train ahead of him. He took the gun, placed it in his holster, threw the instructions out the window, memorized the young man in the photo before burning it and placing the silencer in his pocket as he stood up.

Opening the door to what Gerald thought was the way to the front of the train lead him only to almost falling off the train as the car he was in was now the caboose. “How long was in that coma?” He thought to himself. He walked to the other door only to find the same thing. “What is going on?” He stepped out of the still train car onto the tracks bewildered at the site of the rusted train car he was in.

The forest around him was alive with the various flora and fauna of its pine tree city. Taking a few steps into the trees Gerald found himself sinking into the ground with no way to escape. Panic, desperation, Gerald tried to grab at roots but they too turned into the same weird substance that was dragging him under. Up and over his head the ground swallowed Gerald whole. He found himself briefly floating in an abyss before falling through a crack that shone with an eerie green glow.

Gerald fell through the skylight of the train car into the presence of a newlywed couple celebrating their marriage. The two young men gave a frightened screech and quickly covered up.

“Who are you? And what are you doing in here.” The larger of the two men said moving in front of his partner. Gerald stood up and brushed leaves, glass, and some dirt off his clothes.

“I’m terribly sorry. Gerald Scalia is the name. And I’m not sure how I got here.” Gerald said holding out his scaly hand.

“Well, Mr. Scalia, my name is Fredrick and I would like you to get the fuck out of my cabin!” Fredrick said as he forced Gerald out into the hallway. Gerald stood there somewhat bewildered at what just happened. He adjusted his clothes and moved to the car to his right. He found himself in the dinning car, famished, and decided to get a bite to eat. A crispy spider salad with crickets and tomatoes. He found the spiders were a bit burnt, and he was disappointed that the crickets were dead. Live crickets always tasted best.

With his hunger satiated, Gerald went back to the task of locating his charge. He asked a conductor where the executive suite car was and was shown back to the car he had fallen into earlier. He opened the first room finding an old couple enjoying some morning tea. The next held the newlywed couple he interrupted several hours before, they were not happy to see him again. In the last room sat a single young man reading a book.

Winston turned to Gerald, “Hello. Can I help you?” Winston said.

“I am Gerald Scalia and I’ve been hired to protect you.” Gerald said as he entered the small room, “What is your name if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Winston Trembley, good sir. And Gerald what makes you think I need any sort of protection?” Winston replied.

Just then the door flew open and the old woman ran in with a knife making for Winston. Two steps into the room Gerald’s hand struck her in the throat causing her to drop the knife and clutch her neck trying to catch her breath. Gerald grabbed the knife and forced the metal blade through the old woman’s eye leaving her to collapse on the ground, Winston giving a frightened yelp. Gerald stepped out into the hall, seeing the old man struggling with a machine gun Gerald drew his pistol and put a round through the man’s head.

Gerald returned to Winston cowering in the corner of the small room, “You were saying about why you need protection, Winston? That is why. Apparently someone wants you dead.”

 

-To be continued. What will happen next time? Will Gerald get to eat a crispy spider salad with live crickets? Will the newlywed couple get a break from seeing a seven foot tall lizard man on their honeymoon? Who wants Winston dead? Will that candy bar ever get eaten? Will my foot stop itching? These questions and more will be answered next time, on Seeking Herpetologist!

A Whale Sized Hole.

-A Message from the Terrrible Author-

This story is completely true in everyway it could possibly be. Don’t listen to your Physics Professor if he/she tells you otherwise. They’re just trying to cover up the truth.

Jeremy and Rita had been married for several years. And in those year had gained nearly two hundred extra pounds from bad eating habits. Despite the weight gain however the two loved to still have sex. It was their anniversary and the kids were over at the grandparents, so Jeremy and Rita decided to get down to boogey. The candles were lit, the gettin’ it on music mix was in full swing, and two large oiled bodies were about to collide in a jiggly embrace of weird fleshy jello. The bed rocked back forth as the beast that was all back morphed into all manner of back-boob, front-boob, side-boob, chin-boob, and leg-boob on bed. Bats went deaf as their echolocation caught the shape of the two hearty lovers in the throes of passion.

Unbeknownst to Jeremy and Rita the two were causing strange gravitational anomalies in their home as they continued to make love. In minute five of their anniversary session their bodies collapsed into a singularity. The love hole absorbed the house and half the neighborhood before dissipating, leaving nothing more than a large hole in the ground.

Jeremy and Rita’s kids became vegans so as not to end up like their parents. They never had close relationships for fear of becoming a love hole. Scientists to this day have been unable to figure out how two people became a blackhole through the simple act of sex.