The Missing Massive Missive

It was fucking cold.

Holy shit was it fucking cold on that fucking boat.

Is it recording?


Hello. My name is Daniel.

What I’m about to explain to you is not for repeating.

This tape must be archived to standards 155E of the National Permanent Archival Act. Order of Col. Daniel Hane.

Let’s begin.

There’s nothing wrong with the way things turned out here. Please don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. This outcome was the intention of me and those under my command. We were only momentarily not in control of the situation here.

The large death toll was an unfortunate but ultimately necessary sacrifice by our civilians for the security of their Nation.



One moment…

:: Scuffling noises ::

Bring her in here.

:: Continued scuffling ::


Woman: So do you talk first or..

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?


You must respond out loud for the audio recording.


Col: Thank you.
:: Gunshot ::

:: Inaudible ::

[[ NPA NOTE: This woman was later identified by NPA experts as Emily Tenox (pronounced Em-ily : Ten-oh)

The woman who is about to enter was later identified by NPA experts as Da-Xia Zhao (pronounced Dah-Shee-Ah : Jao) ]]

:: Door Creaks ::

:: Inaudible ::

Xia: Oh my god wh–:: Inaudible ::

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?

Col: You must respond out loud for the audio recording..

Xia: I understand.

Col: Thank you.

Col: Would you please state the current date.

Xia: August fifteenth.

Col: And the year?

Xia: twenty-twenty-two.

Col: Thank you.

Xia: Why did you kill her.

Col: That’s not what we’re here to talk about today Xia.


I need you to explain what happened yesterday.

Don’t you think that the public deserves to know?

Xia: I asked you a question.


Col: They won’t let me give you a second chance you know.


I need you to help me.

Xia: You’re really something else you know that.


Col: Emily, was a killer.

:: Indistinguishable ::

It was a mercy killing her before he arrived.

:: Loud noises ::

[[ NPA NOTE: At this point in the recording it is believed Da-Xia attempts to assault Colonel Hane but is restrained. ]]

:: Third Voice, Indistinguishable ::
Col: Very well.

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of door closing ::

:: Silence: 10:04 ::
Xia: Fànjiàn…..

:: Sound of door opening ::

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of chair ::

NA: Xi–
–Xia: There’s nothing you can do to me.

NA: Are you do–
–Xia: You already took everything from me whats left you piece of shit?


NA: X–
:: Spitting Noise ::
:: Rumbling ::
:: Indistinguishable ::

:: Indistinguishable Noises ::


.. :: Low Rumble Continues ::



NA: Xia…………



.:: Noise Continues ::

NA: You’ve been running from me for a long time now.


:: Xia is heard coughing ::

Xia: Then finish it.


NA: I’m sure you know now that you’re going to die Xia.

Don’t you want the world to know your story…


Was there a point to all that fighting without your story?


Is it that you don’t trust I’ll tell it..

Xia: I know you bleed.

:: Indistinct Noise ::


… I know there’s something you’re afraid of.


I’ll tell you what happened so that you can understand the true magnitude of what lies before you.


I’ll tell you, to watch the hope leave your eyes.

:: END of tape 3.44 ::
:: Property of NPA ::



-Notes from the Terrrible Author-

I like it.






A Little Advice <– This Title sucks change it. Also you used the wrong picture.

-Message from the Terrrible Author-

I was too lazy to write today, so I asked some asshole off the street to do something. He’s my new Intern. He mostly gets me lunch and cooks all my food. He may also occasionally take me out to dinner in a sad attempt to get in my pants. I’m playing hard to get. Remember ladies if he doesn’t spend at least a $1000 on you he’s not worth it.


Have you ever been doing a sick Yo-Yo trick and cracked yourself in the face? It’s a trick question of course, there’s no such thing as a sick Yo-Yo trick. Yo-Yo’s are for losers, and I only hit myself in the face one time.

I like to think if Jesus was still alive he’d have a Yo-Yo. Maybe he’d use it to smack the greedy and flip tables. Surely it must be more compact than a whip.

I wonder if Jesus bought that whip or just borrowed it. I like the idea of him perusing the best whip. Like Harry Potter in the wand shop. Best flaying in town! But I digress.

Learn to juggle. Girls still won’t find it cool, but they’ll be too distracted by your perfect face.

Oh, but learn to play the guitar first, otherwise who are you going to scare off with the juggling?

The Terrible Intern


-Notes for the Intern-

Do better next time.