Oh, My! A Mother Fucking Update!

-A ultra special update message from the Terrrible Author-

Dear Readers,

I’m assuming there are at least five of you, I haven’t checked the numbers lately. I’m sorry to say that I have to go on an extended hiatus. I won’t be gone forever, though, I’ve enjoyed writing a great deal, and I know you all need these stories to survive your miserable lives. But worry not! Terrrible Stories will return and you will have your need for terrible stories satiated.

       Enjoy your paper cut,        The Terrible Author

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Frequently Never Asked Questions #2

Here’s another set of questions you’ve never asked, but I felt compelled to answer anyway. Have a nice day.

Questions #1: Where do the ideas for your stories come from?

I kidnapped a real writer some time back and promise to let him go if he writes for me. I’m not going to let him, but the hope keeps him going.

Questions #2: Are badgers real?

Yes. Now go find me a snipe.

Question #3: Do I need a number 2 pencil for this test?

This isn’t a test. You ask me questions and I give you vague answers in the hopes you’ll leave me alone.

Question #4: What kind of music do you listen to?

What is this a date?

Question #5: How do you keep your hair so marvelous?

A combination of sacrificial lambs (read children), a brush, and doing absolutely nothing.

Question #6: How did being swallowed by a whale improve your chances for that position at NATO?

It didn’t.

Question #7: When you founded the Virgin Galactic School of Gophers Riding Small Bicycles for the Needy Victims of Gopher Related Injuries and Ham Sandwich Organization of the Fifth Star to the Right and Straight on till You Reach Gerald the Fish Saves the Elderly Inc. how did you know it would succeed where no other had before it?

I had a vision. And that vision involved small rodents helping the elderly.

Question #8: Why?

Why not?

Question #9: What’s your name?

I get this one a lot.

Question #10: Cheeseburger or regular hamburger?

Neither.

Question #11: When travelling to the center of the galaxy at a warp factor of 9.5 how long will it take my sandwich to make itself?

42?

Question #12: What’s your favorite scent?

Bush. And yes, I go down ladies.

 

And there you have it. Another twelve questions you never asked, but I answered anyway. Your life is now complete. Have a nice day.