Herpetologist Wanted.

Gerald knew not where the train was going, but he held on for dear life hoping that his journey would come to end soon.

“Hold Steady,” he thought to himself. The train did not slow and he clearly saw body parts and blood flying through the air every so often. Being a stowaway on a non-stop party train was not how Gerald wanted his day to go. He made his way to the back of the car he was on slipping down and smashing through a window where an elderly couple were enjoying a chat some newlyweds. The group let out a shriek at the sight of a seven foot tall lizard dressed in a dark three piece suit. He adjusted himself, apologized for the interruption and left the private passenger compartment.

Gerald moved through the cars of the train with a quiet determination. The other passengers stared at Gerald with amazement or amusement, but he did not care. On entering the fourth car from where he started, Gerald saw what he was looking for, a small man with a silver briefcase. Gerald was about to move on the small man when a voice piped up stopping him dead in his tracks.

“Ticket, s-sir.” The voice squeaked somewhat nervously. Gerald looked down to see a four foot tall bunny dressed as the trains conductor. “No t-ticket. No r-ride.” The bunny said still clearly nervous. Gerald reached into one of his pockets and produced to his surprise a ticket for the train. The bunny took it and punched it before moving on to the other passengers. Gerald noticed the small man with the silver briefcase was heading to the next train car looking over his shoulder at Gerald with a frightened look on his face.

Gerald pushed his way through the car after the small man. Constant obstacles created by the small man slowed Gerald until the two of them found themselves in an empty train car with the door to the next car locked. The small man had his back against the locked door, sweat pouring down his face. Gerald locked the door to the car behind them.

“What do you want?” The small man chocked out.

“I’d like to see what’s in the briefcase Mr. Weller.” Gerald said moving closer, “My employer feels you might have absconded with something that doesn’t belong to you.”

“She can’t have it!” Mr. Weller brandished a gun from his pocket and began shooting wildly, missing Gerald with all eight shots. Several passengers on the other train car were not so lucky. Gerald walked up to the Mr. Weller, calmly taking the briefcase from his possession and opening it. Inside all he found were women’s clothes.

“What is this?!” Gerald exclaimed, “I was expecting company secrets not ladies under garments!” Gerald grabbed Mr. Weller by the neck with his tail and lifted up to his face, “You stole clothes? What is going on? This has to be a decoy. Where is the real briefcase?”

Mr. Weller gasped for air as he talked, “They make me feel beautiful. And soft. Whole even.” Gerald stood stupefied, loosening his grip on Mr. Weller’s neck to let him go. Gerald simply turned and walked out of the train leaving Mr. Weller to be by himself.

Gerald found an empty seat on the train and sat down, still staring off into nothing. His mind was unable to comprehend that he had simply been hired to get back stolen clothes from a man who was clearly capable of purchasing them himself. Gerald never left the train, rendered catatonic by the ordeal.

Mr. Weller became Bernice, a transgender stripper on the train. She was not very popular, and later became a CPA for a company that ran entirely out of the train.


In memory of Tyler. He became a she and called herself Tiffany. Come back to me! It will be different this time!

For Super Nervous Cow that gloriously talented tall mother fucker.


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