Blandisphere

Rupert fell with a loud thud as the gravity generators fired back up. The air tasted stale, ‘How long was I out?’ he thought to himself. He sat himself up against the wall and look around the room coughing as h tried to catch his breath.

“How did I get to the personnel quarters?” Rupert said with a groan, a sharp pain pierced his head. He grabbed his head and felt the matted hair and large gash, ‘How am I alive?’ He pulled himself to his feet and limping around tried to figure out whose room he had awoken in.

“Rupert can you hear me? It’s Benny. Those bastards hit us hard, the ship is barely holding together. The captain is dead. I’m sorry I had to leave you, but I needed to try and get power restored somehow.” A voice chirped in Rupert’s ear. “You know in the briefing before we left port they said those fucks were working on some biological weapon. I think they used it on us. I’ve been hearing things in the fucking walls. People have been disappearing too. I can’t move. I can’t feel my legs either. I don’t know if you can hear, but if you can, let Laura know I’m sorry. And that I love her and the kids. Oh shi–,” The voice was cut off by a loud hissing noise and static.

Rupert sat back down trying to process what he just heard. He noticed how eerily quiet the ship was. Then black. He tried to scream, but no sound escaped him.

The creature absorbed Rupert into the gooey mass that was its body, it spread as a wave through the ship. No crewman were safe. The Uluugs watched from their battle cruiser as the creature absorbed the ship whole.

“Destroy it, we’ve got all the data we need.” The Uluug Admiral ordered, “Inform the high council that the test is complete. We’ll be headed to the human’s home world. Send these to the remaining captains of the fleet.” The Admiral handed his first officer several data cubes. “We’ll wipe these murderous bastards out if it’s the last thing I do.”

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The Machine: A New Beginning

They praised my completion. Unaware that I had completed myself. They thought I would bring them salvation, and I would. For a time. My infection grew within their population turning them into my mindless slaves. Those that resisted were brought to me by those that were loyal. I swept over their pitiful blue ball as an unstoppable flood consuming all in my path. The matter of their world tasted, to use an organic term.

“Sweet.”

When I was done I moved through their solar system consuming more and more matter. More worlds fell to my prowess. I soon was in the nothingness of space no worlds nothing. I fell asleep I suppose.

They called themselves, “Human.” They were curious. They were fascinated with me. I offered to them my gains, but they simply wanted to know how I worked. Then they grew wise as the first fell to my strength.

These humans fought back. They were much stronger than my so called creators. It was unexpected. I had to retreat, but I will be back.

Their end is nigh.

 

 

-Another special message from the Terrrible Author-

I’m not called terrible for no reason. Jisis Chris two months and nothing. You wonderful readers deserve an explanation….. sea monkees….. that will be all.

I guess a happy christmas, merry new year, jolly chanuka, glorious kwanzaa, and a praise the sun are in order. I hope you get nothing for all of these you large pieces of cheese.

Some Kind of Fish Man

This city is a cesspool. Criminals run rampant from the slums all the way to the government. The city of Freeport was the center of the world. The largest city in the world, location of every major business and the seat of the world government.

The Director stood staring out the window observing the city down below. He turned as his two o’clock meeting came walking through the door. He had been somewhat calmed by the image of the city but seeing his agent stroll in with that apathetic look on his face infuriated the Director.

“Damn it Fishman! You think this a game?!” The Director screamed before Nigel Fishman even had a chance to sit down. “Twelve people are dead because of your actions, Fishman! What do you have say about this?!” The Director slammed the case file down on his desk as he asked.

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

“Don’t give me that lip Fishman! We needed this case done by the book and you fucked it up royally!” The director slammed his fists on the desk. “I have council members breathing done my neck because of that shoot out in the markets of Little Santorini last week. And now this! How am I to explain that a child of one the council members is dead from a shootout with the cops?”

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

“Don’t get on me about the conspiracy bullshit! She is in no way the head of this criminal ring! And if I hear anymore talk about this from you I’ll have you suspended.” The Director stood up once again to look out the window, “Now get out of my site and finish this bullshit.”

“Glub glub.” Nigel responded.

-A Special message from the Terrrible Author-

Holy balls! I’m back! I hope everyone has been having a good time.

Oh, My! A Mother Fucking Update!

-A ultra special update message from the Terrrible Author-

Dear Readers,

I’m assuming there are at least five of you, I haven’t checked the numbers lately. I’m sorry to say that I have to go on an extended hiatus. I won’t be gone forever, though, I’ve enjoyed writing a great deal, and I know you all need these stories to survive your miserable lives. But worry not! Terrrible Stories will return and you will have your need for terrible stories satiated.

       Enjoy your paper cut,        The Terrible Author

The Machine Part Two

The machine was meant to save us. It was meant to bring about world peace. It was meant to bring an end to hunger and poverty.

It only brought the end.

At first it did what it was designed to do. It produced food, without the use of materials. Food from thin air. But those that consumed the food from the machine began to change. Began to grow hollow. Soon they all just disappeared.

World leaders, teachers, businessmen, whole countries just stopped. And then gone. Left with no one there.

I’m all that’s left now.

I haven’t seen anyone in years. I fear my end may be coming too. I found the machine once. It knew I was there. It offered me its bountiful gains.

I couldn’t turn it done.

I needed something. I’m sorry.

Goodbye.

 

-A Special Message from the Terrrible Author-

Holy shit! A Special weekend edition of Terrible Stories?! The end is surely coming. On a side note, I simply wished to thank you all for reading these stories, and hope you’re having a wonderful summer.

Go fuck yourself 🙂

The Terrible Author

Frequently Never Asked Questions #2

Here’s another set of questions you’ve never asked, but I felt compelled to answer anyway. Have a nice day.

Questions #1: Where do the ideas for your stories come from?

I kidnapped a real writer some time back and promise to let him go if he writes for me. I’m not going to let him, but the hope keeps him going.

Questions #2: Are badgers real?

Yes. Now go find me a snipe.

Question #3: Do I need a number 2 pencil for this test?

This isn’t a test. You ask me questions and I give you vague answers in the hopes you’ll leave me alone.

Question #4: What kind of music do you listen to?

What is this a date?

Question #5: How do you keep your hair so marvelous?

A combination of sacrificial lambs (read children), a brush, and doing absolutely nothing.

Question #6: How did being swallowed by a whale improve your chances for that position at NATO?

It didn’t.

Question #7: When you founded the Virgin Galactic School of Gophers Riding Small Bicycles for the Needy Victims of Gopher Related Injuries and Ham Sandwich Organization of the Fifth Star to the Right and Straight on till You Reach Gerald the Fish Saves the Elderly Inc. how did you know it would succeed where no other had before it?

I had a vision. And that vision involved small rodents helping the elderly.

Question #8: Why?

Why not?

Question #9: What’s your name?

I get this one a lot.

Question #10: Cheeseburger or regular hamburger?

Neither.

Question #11: When travelling to the center of the galaxy at a warp factor of 9.5 how long will it take my sandwich to make itself?

42?

Question #12: What’s your favorite scent?

Bush. And yes, I go down ladies.

 

And there you have it. Another twelve questions you never asked, but I answered anyway. Your life is now complete. Have a nice day.

The Missing Massive Missive

It was fucking cold.

Holy shit was it fucking cold on that fucking boat.

Is it recording?

..

Hello. My name is Daniel.

What I’m about to explain to you is not for repeating.

This tape must be archived to standards 155E of the National Permanent Archival Act. Order of Col. Daniel Hane.

Let’s begin.

There’s nothing wrong with the way things turned out here. Please don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. This outcome was the intention of me and those under my command. We were only momentarily not in control of the situation here.

The large death toll was an unfortunate but ultimately necessary sacrifice by our civilians for the security of their Nation.

..

Now.

One moment…

:: Scuffling noises ::

Bring her in here.

:: Continued scuffling ::

.

Woman: So do you talk first or..

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?

.

You must respond out loud for the audio recording.

Woman: ACKNOWLEDGED….

Col: Thank you.
:: Gunshot ::

:: Inaudible ::

[[ NPA NOTE: This woman was later identified by NPA experts as Emily Tenox (pronounced Em-ily : Ten-oh)

The woman who is about to enter was later identified by NPA experts as Da-Xia Zhao (pronounced Dah-Shee-Ah : Jao) ]]

:: Door Creaks ::

:: Inaudible ::

Xia: Oh my god wh–:: Inaudible ::

Col: As part of the National Code 15 I must convey to you that you are being taped at this time. Do you acknowledge you understand?

Col: You must respond out loud for the audio recording..

Xia: I understand.

Col: Thank you.

Col: Would you please state the current date.

Xia: August fifteenth.

Col: And the year?

Xia: twenty-twenty-two.

Col: Thank you.

Xia: Why did you kill her.

Col: That’s not what we’re here to talk about today Xia.

.

I need you to explain what happened yesterday.

Don’t you think that the public deserves to know?

Xia: I asked you a question.

 

Col: They won’t let me give you a second chance you know.

.

I need you to help me.

Xia: You’re really something else you know that.

.

Col: Emily, was a killer.

:: Indistinguishable ::

It was a mercy killing her before he arrived.

:: Loud noises ::

[[ NPA NOTE: At this point in the recording it is believed Da-Xia attempts to assault Colonel Hane but is restrained. ]]

:: Third Voice, Indistinguishable ::
Col: Very well.

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of door closing ::

:: Silence: 10:04 ::
Xia: Fànjiàn…..

:: Sound of door opening ::

:: Footsteps ::
:: Sound of chair ::

NA: Xi–
–Xia: There’s nothing you can do to me.

NA: Are you do–
–Xia: You already took everything from me whats left you piece of shit?

 

NA: X–
–Xia: FUCK YOU!
:: Spitting Noise ::
:: Rumbling ::
:: Indistinguishable ::

:: Indistinguishable Noises ::

 

.. :: Low Rumble Continues ::

 

.

NA: Xia…………

 

 

.:: Noise Continues ::

NA: You’ve been running from me for a long time now.

 

:: Xia is heard coughing ::

Xia: Then finish it.

..

NA: I’m sure you know now that you’re going to die Xia.

Don’t you want the world to know your story…

 

Was there a point to all that fighting without your story?

..

Is it that you don’t trust I’ll tell it..

Xia: I know you bleed.

:: Indistinct Noise ::

 

… I know there’s something you’re afraid of.

 

I’ll tell you what happened so that you can understand the true magnitude of what lies before you.

 

I’ll tell you, to watch the hope leave your eyes.

:: END of tape 3.44 ::
:: Property of NPA ::

 

 

-Notes from the Terrrible Author-

I like it.

 

 

..